I spent a summer at Schlitterbahn New Braunfels as an operations manager and next to, “what time is it?’ the second most frequently asked question was, “where’s the lazy river?” We don’t have a ride called “the lazy river,” but throughout the years park goers have coined the term to name their favorite tube ride. It has always elicited confusion from us as employees…we are never quite sure after asking the guest a series of questions, as to what they mean by “lazy river”, and if we had sent them to the correct attraction.

Which leads to the $64 million dollar question, what makes a river, a lazy river?

1. Longevity 

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The Raging River is a 45-min float from one end of Schlitterbahn and ends on the other side in the Comal River. It’s a relaxing tube ride that lets you sit back and just enjoy your day. Is this your Lazy River?

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2. Circular Floating Aka Never Ending 

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The Krystal River is one of three “endless” rivers at Schlitterbahn. It’s pretty chill and slow, but a steady current gently pushes you through the circle. Though, I must admit, the alligators kind throw me off a bit. Alligators and a lazy river don’t go together in my opinion. But hey, that’s none of my business.

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When you say you’re looking for the Lazy River, do you mean the Krystal River?

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Ok, still not sure?

3.  Proximity to people floating the Comal River

Well, what about The Falls, our newest addition to Schlitterbahn New Braunfels- the World’s longest waterpark ride filled with raging rapids, careening waterfalls and giant waves.

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True, you are floating through some beautiful scenery within viewing distance of the people on the Comal river, but the Falls can get a little “white water rapid-esq” if ya’ know what I mean. After all, it is labeled as a high speed, high thrill attraction.

The Falls, is this your coveted Lazy River you’ve been searching for?

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4. Rolling Waves

Wait, do you mean The Torrent? This has to be it, it’s got to be the ride you’re looking for.

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It’s like being in an ocean….float away your cares with your besties. #BahnLove

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So, endless waves that send you gliding is this your Lazy River? Did we finally figure it out for you?

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No?!?!?! Arrgg…

Wait, I got it.

5. That ride that wasn’t really a ride until we made it a ride.

Wait, so you’ve been coming to the park your whole life and remember when we only had the “original” section??

*Palm Face Plant* Duh, you’ve been looking for The Congo…well, not exactly the Congo, but what it was before the Congo!!!!

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Remember that super chill, water-filled river circle thing that no one really hung out in, well except maybe you? It had alligators in it?? You know…the Lazy River.

I think I’m starting to understand what happened here…we took your Lazy River and turned it into a Congo Expedition, which now is one of our most popular rides.

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THE HUMANITY OF IT ALL!!!!!! 

Can I just say, on behalf of all of us here at Schlitterbahn, we are deeply sorry! But fear not, we will never give up on helping you find the mysterious Lazy River.

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I think we all learned a valuable lesson here. It doesn’t have to be called “the Lazy River” for you to be lazy in it.

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For a complete list of rides at Schlitterbahn New Braunfels click here.